Last updated: May 2025
Welcome to Aussgardener.com where confusion is an artform and your data is as safe as a seedling in a hailstorm.
1. What Information We Collect
We may collect the following from you Your name (if you accidentally give it to us) Your email address (so we can ignore your support requests) Your phone number (to test if our dynamic numbers confuse you) Any credit card info you unwisely typed into our Check out not working? Whats new? form
We also collect anonymous data, like how many people rage-quit halfway through the checkout process.
2. How We Use Your Information
We use your data to: Forget your order Blame someone else for forgetting your order Pretend we don’t have your order in the system Occasionally send you emails begging for your support so we can buy Ferraris, weddings, or beachfront properties
3. How We Protect Your Data
We use the latest encryption… of hopes and prayers. Our server is powered by leftover seed packets and questionable hosting decisions. We try not to leak anything, but you should assume we already did.
4. Sharing Your Information
We don’t sell your data. We just accidentally forward it to trusted partners like: • Our warehouse cat • That guy on Facebook who said “ditch advertising” • Whoever reads our emails out loud in the office
5. Cookies
We use cookies. We don’t know what they do. But they’re there. Probably to track how long you stay before you realize our website is broken.
6. Your Rights
You have the right to: Not visit this site again Demand we delete your data (we might even remember to do it) Send us confusing support requests that we’ll reply to with unrelated discount codes
7. Contact Us
Got concerns? Questions? Loose compost? Reach us via our dynamic phone numbers, updated daily for maximum frustration. Or submit a message via our contact form — right under “Check out not working? What’s new!”